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May 21 2018

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p-i-n-k-b-l-oo-d:

So for one of my yoga projects I had to do something doing yoga poses and I…… made something…

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sashasdoodles:

Sick burn

This is totally how the Twunk vs Twunk Showdown will go down. I’ve seen the future.

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lynati:

jmercedesd:

berry-muffin:

hoooOw dare you, deTECtive humpeding?! i am YOUR supEORIOR OFFICER!!!

so years ago i was thinking about making a modern era discworld au, set the idea aside for later and… forgot about it. now i want to revisit the idea because honestly, brooklyn 99 brand of humor is perfect for it.

@lynati

X D

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advanced-procrastination:

simonalkenmayer:

jumpingjacktrash:

theymightbegiantsquids:

motherhenna:

motherhenna:

motherhenna:

Ok so I was looking for historical slang terms for penis (gotta be era-accurate when writing vintage dick jokes) and I came across….something

image

some linguist compiled a literal timeline of genitalia slang–a cock compendium, if you will–that dates back all the way to the fucking 13th CENTURY. This motherfucker tracked the evolution of erection etymology through 800+ years, because if he doesn’t do it, who else will? Thank you for your service, Johnathon Green.

Some of my favorites include:

  • Shaft of Delight (1700s)
  • Womb Sweeper (1980s)
  • Master John Goodfellow (1890s)
  • Nimble-Wimble (1650s)
  • Corporal Love (1930s)
  • Staff of Life (1880s)
  • Spindle (1530s)
  • As good as ever twanged (1670s)
  • Gaying Instrument (1810s)
  • Beef Torpedo (1980s)

and last but not least, the first recorded use of the word Schlong, which was in 1865 CE. Tag yourself, I’m Nimble Wimble 

And are the lovely ladies feeling left out? not to worry! Johnathon’s got you covered, gals, because he also made one for vaginas. Highlights:

  • Mrs. Fubb’s Parlor (1820s)
  • Poontang (1950s)
  • Spunk Box (1720s)
  • Ringerangroo (1930s)
  • Ineffable (1890s)
  • Itching Jenny (1890s)
  • Carnal Mantrap (1890s - a busy decade apparently)
  • Bookbinder’s Wife (1760s)
  • Rough Malkin (1530s)
  • Socket (1460s)

and a personal favorite, crinkum-crankum, circa approximately 1670.

@antique-symbolism

this alone has justified the internet

This is unfortunately not complete, as he used written documents. Imagine the variations. Humans have never named anything so much as they have their genitals.

Reblogging this PURELY so that any of my followers writing fiction taking place in the past uses the correct phrasing. Historical accuracy is totally important guys. That’s the ONLY reason I’m putting this on my blog.

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babyanimalgifs:

Animal snaps

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babyanimalgifs:

Cat & dog snaps

garashirs:

@ my fellow gays, use this generator i made to find out what kind of weapon you’re best off wielding on the battlefield!

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jumpingjacktrash:

roachpatrol:

jumpingjacktrash:

harljordan:

Thor Odinson: God of Thunder and Feminist Icon

i loved this bit because it was obviously taika waititi making commentary on the conjunction of valkyries, amazons, and dora milaje in this year’s movies. :D

i love this bit because the valkyrie preceeded thors birth by centuries and he gives a thumbs up after ‘about time’ like he absolutely knows he just said something dumb as hell but is stuck with it now

“said something dumb as hell but is stuck with it now“ = thor in a nutshell

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disastergeek:

nuggsmum:

silverloke:

⋆☆ Incorrect Totally Accurate Loki Quotes ☆⋆ #1

Omg this one too @teckmonky 🤣

This is exactly how it happened.

postmodernmulticoloredcloak:

serotnin:

serotonin? in this economy?

this is it, we’ve found the ultimate specimen of millennial humor

the-knights-who-say-book:

patrickwsawyer:

gutterballgt:

the-knights-who-say-book:

the-knights-who-say-book:

the-knights-who-say-book:

the-knights-who-say-book:

the-knights-who-say-book:

fantasy book with witches and wizards and magical people but all magic has a price, like

main character, in awe and slightly terrified: what did you have to give up to be able to control storms with your mind?

powerful enchanter, fighting back tears as they pull down the hood of their cloak to reveal a knotted oily mess: my beautiful luscious hair….no matter how many times i wash or brush it, it always looks like this

main character: [horrified gasp]

fortune teller: and speak up when asking your question, these are my cards so they share my partially-deafness

other character, sympathetically: oh, had to trade good hearing for seeing the future?

fortune teller: no, asshole, i was born with it. i got seeing the future for trading in my ability to wink

there’s a legend in this fantasy land about a powerful enchanter who traded their ovaries for the power to create earthquakes. the grumpy semi-sentient force of nature who negotiates these magic deals had thought it was pretty great one, sure to make the recipient of the deal regret making it soon enough (after all, the point is having to suffer a bit in exchange for magic, because life sucks even in magical fantasy kingdoms)

however, soon afterwards, the Grumpy Semi-Sentient Force of Nature realized the enchanter had been ecstatic to be rid of periods and didn’t care about not having biological children. the GSSFN felt somewhat cheated by this and ever since has had a strict no-trading-internal-organs policy

“fucking humans messing with the system,” it was quoted as saying

actually, cheating the Grumpy Semi-Sentient Force of Nature out of the suffering it hopes to inflict with the magic deals is a time honored tradition in Magical Fantasy Kingdom, which is primarily made up of sassy little shits. most of the kingdom’s mythology is made up of trickster figures

there’s the legend of the smooth-talking thief who managed, by describing a certain talent of hers as “the ability to form small growths out of her skin and then reabsorb them” with enough quick confusing descriptions to trade the ability to get pimples for the power to become invisible

there’s the boy who brought the GSSFN a bucketful of cold, liquid silver in exchange for the power to cure a certain sickness, only for the GSSFN to realize once the sun had come up that the bucket contained only water reflecting moonlight

there’s the monarch who offered to trade in their power to destroy people with only their words for the seemingly much less valuable power to turn one grain of rice into two grains — only for the GSSFN to realize later it had gotten the ruler’s cutting sarcasm in payment for a power that could end a famine

every year the Grumpy Semi-Sentient Force of Nature gets visits from tens of jewish witches and wizards solemnly offering to give up eating all foods that come from pigs or eating meat at the same time as dairy in exchange for the powers they want

“DO YOU THINK YOU’RE FUCKING CLEVER” says the GSSFN, who has frankly had enough of this shit

Then there was the time someone traded the rights to their firstborn child for the ability to breathe both air and water (even salt water!). The GSSFN thought about this for a moment – did this go against the no-organs rule or not? – then agreed.

“Ha, sucker! You already got my ovaries, so good luck getting a kid out of me!”

“I KNEW YOU LOOKED FAMILI– wait. Wait. You got… earthquakes last time, right? I’m remember that right?”

*smug nod*

“What the hell does that have to do with being able to breath underwater??”

“Underwater. Earthquakes.”

“I HATE HUMANS.”

Thus, the no-trading-more-than-once rule was adopted and GSSFN started Marking those who traded.

I presume that there’s a subclause to that rule that states that one cannot acquire the ability to remove the Mark.

i really appreciate everyone lawyering the fuck out of this

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tranarchist:

theultimatejimmyrustler:

geckopirateship:

theultimatejimmyrustler:

geckopirateship:

imnotrighthanded:

geckopirateship:

Anti-SJWs basically come in two flavors “lol kek u mad” and “alas this vexed correctness of thine politics doth trouble me in every hour verily I shall draw my blade of reason and stand firm against these blackguards”

SJWs come in one flavor, however:

“I’m offended, I’m HURT, and it’s YOUR FAULT, you MONSTERS!!!!!”

You’re a very bland mix of the two

How can you honestly be pro-sjw?

How can you be pro-BOFA?

What the fuck is a BOFA?

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celticpyro:

discretely-obvious:

imthehandsomejack:

sebatticus:

prankstersgambits:

billybrocobra:

For all the artists out there

Youre telling me I threw away 10 dollar markers FOR NOTHING

REBLOG to save a life and a wallet!

Plus copics are actually refillable and you can buy more colored ink online for pretty cheap!

So yeah dont throw out copics.

NO NO NO NO!

Never refill a Copic with regular isopropyl alcohol unless you have absolutely no other option.

Copic markers have their own ink refills to go with each marker,

They look like this and cost around the same price as a Copic Sketch maybe slightly more however they can be used to refill a marker several times

By using isopropyl alcohol what you’re doing, in fact, is diluting what little ink you have left in your make, therefore changing the shade of it.

Of course the one exception to this rule is the colourless blender 0 which is a marker that is full of regular isopropyl alcohol.

As a side note, DON’T throw away your marker if one/both of the is damaged

Copic also make replacement nibs for all of their markers

Which are much cheaper than buying a new marker as you get multiple in a pack.

Reblogging to save an artist. Copics are meant to be reusable and I know how hella expensive those things are. NEVER throw out your Copic markers!

defilerwyrm:

disabilityhealth:

Don’t be a “respect is earned not given” kind of person

Be a “respect is given unless proven undeserved” kind of person

#Respect as an authority is earned #Respect as a person is provided until you prove yourself unworthy of it (via @spacebuck)

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literaryfirearms:

arstotzka:

This is how you play a wizard.

Professionals have standards. Be polite. Be efficient. Have a plan to kill everyone you meet.

malefeministthor:

It’s also so funny to me that Loki is the god of like. pranks. these are my siblings THUNDER and DEATH but me Loki? I just fuckig PUNK’d you

family resemblance

jenkinsjester:

“Mama?”

Elaina’s voice pipes up from the corner of the nursery, where the four year old is currently on her tip-toes, trying to peer into Julia and Westley’s bassinet.

“What is it, nugget?” Vex asks, scooping her daughter up so she can see her newborn siblings and planting a kiss on her cheek.

Elaina’s brow furrows adorably as she looks down at the twins. “Why does Westley look like Auntie Zhara?”

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